What is man but his passion?

又老一岁了。 GENNA一家人居然给我准备了一个SURPRISE CAKE，上面还插了6根怎么也吹不灭的生日蜡烛，一开始还以为他们买到了劣质产品，-_-!!!  后来发现他们边看我吹得眼冒金星边在大笑不止，才知道原来蜡烛是他们在恶作剧店买的……

 

我很不客气地指出： 在中国，一次吹不灭全部蜡烛代表生日愿望不能实现，他们一脸无辜地说：在美国，生日蜡烛吹剩几根代表以后会有多少个孩子……我当场厥倒，教导他们给人开PARTY也要注意文化差异！

 

GENNA是我的室友，比我小一岁半的美国女生，一个本科读哲学，副修生物，现在化学实验室工作，业余喜欢志愿教宗教，现在打算报考JOHN HOPKINS大学医学院研究生的天主教徒。但其实这些都不重要，最初让我觉得和她聊得来的，是她告诉我她在和一个博物馆工作人员约会，不知他会不会很无聊。然后我说你看过《老友记》吗？她说没有。我说里面一个角色叫ROSS的古生物教授，也喜欢博物馆阿恐龙之类，表面很无聊其实还是很SWEET的那种搞笑。然后GENNA忽然用惊恐的眼神看着我，我说怎么了，她说她那个博物馆男生就叫ROSS。于是我们大笑，她说没有关系啦她其实还有其他16个选择，然后我冲着她大叫: EVIL!!! ……于是我们就成了好朋友……

 

GENNA家很温馨：爸爸妈妈加上她三个兄弟姐妹，每周末都会聚在一起吃团圆饭，让我忽然觉得有手足是件让人嫉妒的事情。她家有一个极其有田园气派的后院，五英亩的一片小树林，还有两条小溪穿流而过。GENNA说，她小时候喜欢和她兄弟姐妹在树林里乱跑，追捕松鼠小鹿，想象自己是走失在大森林里的小孩。

 

这片树林很让我着迷，也许是因为我从来没有住在一片完全野生的树林里。那一晚我在GENNA家过夜，第二天早晨天刚蒙蒙亮，我就起了，看见落地窗外那片沐浴在晨光里的树林，居然就这样对着窗呆呆地坐了许久。秋叶绚烂的颜色，对于一个来自热带海岛的人，就像一幅油画一样的不真实。我开始是用欣赏一副巨大的油画的眼神看着窗外，但我忽然看见一片片静静飘落的枯叶，这幅画忽然在我眼前变活了。我试图用我有限的热带海岛人的想象力去在脑海里描述眼前这一幕，我想到的居然是一个巨大的水族馆，那一片片落叶就像一条条七彩的小鱼，优雅从容地在水草里穿梭……

 

我还想到什么……呃……窗外的一切像是WINDOWS的动态屏幕保护程序……

 

可怜的现代热带海岛人……已经没有什么想象力了。我只是想说：那片树林对于我，真的美得很超现实。对着它，我可以呆呆地坐一个早晨……

 

------------------------------------------昼夜分割线--------------------------------------------------------

 

在GENNA家疯了两天，回到华盛顿继续全情投入到万圣节狂欢的队伍中。本来其实已经很累，但我知道我这天晚上绝对不能呆在家，因为这是万圣节之夜，我最爱的西方节日！

 

于是和菲律宾朋友一起奔到乔治敦，这里是每年DC万圣节各路神仙怪兽的聚集地。果然，还不到八点，这里的交通已是一片混乱。车塞得根本就是寸步难行，我只好无奈地看着车外吃汉堡的仙子，发短信的巫婆，挺着大肚腩的蜘蛛侠，迷路了的电话亭，恋爱中的兔子和土拨鼠，复活得很走形的M J，很有乡村气息的奥巴马，各路争吵的死神，企鹅和超人在KISS……

 

万圣节夜晚的乔治敦大街上几乎每个人都有面具和伪装，却每个人都比平时更开放，每个人都更愿意和路人攀谈，每个人都愿意和陌生人拍照，每个人都会在大街上尖叫大笑……

 

我看着他们，在想：也许这是他们本来的样子呢？本来我们各自就是超人，巫婆，企鹅，电话亭，身材走形的蜘蛛侠或香蕉人，为什么在一年364天都要一起辛苦地装正常“人”。

 

还好一年有万圣节那么一天晚上，大家都可以卸下伪装，在大街上招摇过市兴高采烈地做自己~

 

我的美国文学讨论课终于进入了浪漫主义时期，我的教授和我说：“要不这周五你和学生讨论《安娜贝尔。李》吧。”

 

安娜贝尔李：艾伦坡虚构的情人，我读的第一首英文诗。对于他，这是一个在遥远海滨国度的女子，对于我，这是初二时让我着迷的一段配乐诗朗诵。

 

《安娜贝尔李》是我读的第一首英文诗，也是让我最初爱上英语的原因，尽管初二时，我并不完全理解这首诗的含义。当然，我当时也完全不会想到，12年后，我会到一个遥远的国度，一个离艾伦坡故乡不远的地方，给我异国的学生朗读《安娜贝尔李》。

 

初恋重逢的感觉：此时已不觉得彼此是最好，甚至已经淡忘，却仍然记得当时的感动。

 

于是，我很认真地在班里朗读了这首诗，好像圆了一个梦。可惜，我的朗读，没有当年磁带里大海的声音，也许我的学生们也不能从字里行间听出大海的声音了。艾伦坡说：读着安娜贝尔李，你会闻到大海的味道，感觉到它的呼吸……

 

很巧，最近是艾伦坡诞辰200周年。说到坡，人们会想到神经质，酗酒，癫狂，忘年恋，离奇死亡。说到坡的作品，人们脑海中会浮现：吸血鬼爱好者，壁橱藏尸，魔幻现实，变态，精神分裂，屠杀动物……我的教授在上课时这样介绍：There's no doubt that Poe is crazy.

 

但我还是喜欢POE的～他只是心里住着一个好奇，喜欢放纵幻想恶作剧，又极度缺乏安全感的一个小孩。

 

Annabel Lee 
       ---by Edgar Allan Poe

 
  It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

 

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

 

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

 

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

 

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

 

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea. 

“唉，这样最难了……还是快点找个美国人嫁了算了，房子绿卡一并搞定！”和我同行的中国女生这样劝慰我说。
“呵呵，这要看缘分啊。”我尽量轻描淡写，不再多说。

 

忽然想起我刚来美国做TA的时候，同屋一个突尼斯的女生微笑地反问我：“To teach Americans their own literature? No...that won't work. Mission Impossible..."
我也无言以对，笑着回了句："I don't know...."

 

现在我明白了，有些东西，再难，也永远不需要向别人解释
因为只有你自己知道它的价值。

以下是中秋节那天我写给一个美国朋友的邮件，一些最近的所闻所感，关于身份困惑。

 

由于自己很懒，所以没有翻译成中文，但是很想分享一下--------------------------------------

 

Today is the Moon Festival and I went to Great Falls Park in Virginia to celebrate it with some Chinese friends from DC. It was a very beautiful day and the park was gorgeous with the mountains and the Patomic River.The air and the water there are so refreshing, and we had a lot of fun climbing the rocks along the river and watching people practise canoeing there. I wished soooo much to join them!

 

As we came back, we began talking about Virginia and American history. I told them that parts of Jefferson's Declaration of Independence had to be cut out because he accused Europe for slavery while he was himself a slave holder. They got cut out because they made him seem so blatantly hypocritical. Then a girl who is a grad student in sociology said: "Yes the Americans are so hypocritical. America is more hypocritical than any other country." I was a bit taken aback and said: "Well, you can't over-generalize Americans like that, every country is hypocritical in different ways, maybe it's human nature." Then she went on to criticize America for boasting about democracy and freedom when there are lots of social inequality and it patronizes other countries. "American makes itself seem like the ideal. Europe at least admitts itself to be racist." She said. I didn't comment on that because then the other Chinese friends began to echo her cynicism.

 

Maybe there's truth in what she said, but this is not the point of my writing this. This graduate friend of mine, like many other international students I've met, has claimed that she will not marry a foreigner. She is recently dating a Taiwanese guy, but she told me that she was afraid she cannot adapt to Taiwanese lifestyle because she's from Northern China. I couldn't understand and said: "Well Taiwan shares with the mainland many customs, which will make it much easier, don't worry."  But still, she sounded like some kind of vague and inevitable barrier exists between her and her boyfriend.

 

All of this just reminds me over and over again the idea of self-identity we talked about in class. Dr. Johnson said that lots of American Indians got persecuted and slaughtered when they confronted the early settlers in New England. At that time they were demonized and associated with backwardness and primitive nature. It was only when the frontier shoved them further Westward, out of the sight of the settlers, were the Indians began to be idealized and romanticized as the "Noble Savage."

 

So the question keeps haunting me: is it human nature to demonize "the other" in order reaffirm "the self". Why is the self so insecure? Well, maybe "demonize" is too strong a word, maybe I should say, it's human nature to be with people similar to oneself. Sometimes when the self-identity is threatened or is not strong enough, people idealize the community they belong to and demonize the community of "the other" as a way to strengthen and justify the self.

 

On the way back, I also heard from them the story of another Chinese girl. The girl hanged out a lot with them before, but when she found an American boyfriend, she just gradually withdrew from her Chinese circle. They said that she whole-heartedly embraced American way of life and values, and stopped coming to their gathering because "she doesn't feel comfortable enough with too many Chinese around."

 

Truthfully, I think even America and China share a lot in their lifestyles and fundamental values. They are not incompatible at all. Then why does this girl seem so eager to rid herself of her Chinese heritage, as if it's something harmful to her new relationship and new life in the US.

 

I've met some good American friends since I came here. They have helped me a lot and I'm very grateful. But you know, friendliness cannot always be equated with friendship. Like many many other international students here, I've experienced the frustration when you feel you cannot belong in a dominant foreign community. But unlike some international students who have completely given up the idea that they can have any real friendship with the native speakers, I try not to judge my friends by where they are from or what their skin color is. Of course on the outside everybody is very friendly and hospitable, but by "not judging" I mean the whole-hearted acceptance of someone as your true friend, regardless of their social background. I still want to form deep friendship in this country and I hate the feeling when you realize you cannot mention certain topics because they are Catholic and you are not religious and you will offend each other if you talk about them. I hate the feeling when you feel some vague, indescribable barrier between your friend and you before you can really get to know each other better.

 

This just always reminds me of the poem "Mending Walls" by Frost. Sometimes you don't know where comes the wall that prevents you from knowing and accepting the other human being. Maybe it's from others, maybe it's from yourself. I find the wall a sad sad thing.

 

But I'm not complaining. I have been fortunate enough to have you guys here and made some great new friends since I came. I have made some open-minded American, Chinese, British and Japanese friends. They are crack-heads like me and make me feel at home. Some of them have left DC and gone back to their hometown for work this semester, which makes me so sad!

 

Sorry about the long rambling. I just feel like sharing with you what I heard and felt today. If you had been in China as a PhD student studying Chinese literature, all my rambling may make more sense to you. : p

 

But all of these good or bad experiences and feelings are very valuable, I think. Maybe I can write a book on them someday!

今天去留学生办公室领新日历，翻开一看发现里面增添了一个小贴士：Adjusting to Life in a New Culture. 其中有一项列出了各种symptoms of culture shock (文化冲击的症状）。往下一读，才发现原来我在美国第一年是华丽丽地被“击中”了……怎么没有提前一年发给我这则东东！！？？！

 

以下罗列一下日历里说的各种症状，看一下我中了几招：

1，sadness, loneliness   
恩，这不是肯定的么。现在绝对重新理解了中学学到的那句话：I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.

 

2, Change in how you sleep -- more or less than before
第一学期基本睡很少,能睡得更多的人是强人啊～～～

 

3，increased anger or irritability, don't want to interact with others
睡得少自然就irritated啦……

 

4，Loss of identity
多少会有。我的同班同学都是美国人，于是加剧。其中各种微妙的感觉岂是只言半语说得清啊～该题目值得写一本小说，敬请关注!

 

5，lack of confidence
当你的学生全部都比你高大，说的英语都比你溜，样子都比你地道，而你却要组织他们讨论美国文学的时候……

 

6，unable to solve simple problems
恩，比如不知道怎么用微波炉煮饭……

 

7，feeling lost, not understood, not appreciated,overlooked
还好美国人喜欢对人表示赞赏（有时只是表面的习惯），否则会更惨。但是overlooked的感觉是有的，尤其是你的身高不在平均海拔上，哈。

 

8，develop stereotypes about the new culture
会有，把片面扩大，比如来到美国第一次坐地铁就看到有个大妈在地铁站高声大骂民主党，弄得我以为美国都是political maniac,但后来就再也没有遇到了。可

见第一印象重要啊～

 

9，excessive fear of being cheated, robbed or injured
刚来就被告知华盛顿是美国治安最差的城市之一，当场晕厥！这不是首都吗皇城吗？？？我又恰好住在这里治安较差的区，于是到了晚上大门不敢出，心想MD我怎么跑了半个地球进了监狱。但现在想起来，这绝对是一种被无限放大的不安全感。

 

10，preoccupation with health
整个一个林黛玉，万病始于心！

 

11，change in temperament--feeling depressed or powerless
由以上诸多原因引起。

 

12，irritation over delays and other minor frustrations out of proportion to their causes
早起打电话回家发现网络差都会depressed，更别说发现自己买回的豆芽过了一夜就烂了……

 

13，idealize your home. Experience a terrible longing to be back home, to be in familiar surroundings, to visit one's relatives, and, in general, to talk to people who actually "make sense".
现在基本觉得海南是最好的地方了，文昌鸡是我魂牵梦绕的心灵归宿。

 

14，delay or outright refuse to learn the language of the host country
有完全不想看书，看到书就恶心。但完全不说英语，除非我想马上被kicked out of school.

好了，罗列完了，基本上这些症状适用于长期在国外留学人士，如果只是短暂停留学习旅游度假，绝对会觉得很HIGH一点也不会有什么“震感”。

一年过后，基本上可以对以上大多数感觉一笑置之。果然应验了我教授的一句话：whatever that does not destroy you will make you stronger.

 

今天的午饭，我做了自己从超市买回的鸡翅。电饭煲很快就搞定了，于是我边吹着空调，边听着音乐，边享受地啃着我的辣酱鸡翅。

 

忽然，我意识到在我们的食堂，修女姐姐从来没有做过鸡翅给我们吃。于是很快又联想到昨天在食堂吃的那些又涩又无味的鸡胸肉，没有酱料根本无法下咽。

 

但我转念记起我的美国朋友曾经和我说：在美国，人们觉得鸡胸肉是鸡全身最好吃的肉，也最有营养。当时我一听就傻了，说：不是吧，在中国，一家人吃鸡最头疼的就是没人吃的鸡胸肉！

 

唉，难怪美国这边的超市，相对便宜的肉总是鸡腿和鸡翅，中国却相反。

 

想到这里，我心里对修女的怨气平复了一些。想着如果我抓狂地跑去对修女姐姐投诉说：“怎么你们老做这么难吃的肉给我们啊！如同嚼蜡！”她们可能会很委屈地回我：“可是。。。可是我们觉得这是最好的肉啊。。。”

 

想到这般不堪的对话，我却差点笑出来。所以啊，学习如何去爱别人是一件艰难的工作，不够耐心和体谅，可能两个充满爱心的人都会互相面露獠牙大打出手。所以啊，以后在对我们爱的人生气之前，应该搞清楚：是不是我喜欢吃鸡翅，而他/她觉得鸡胸肉是世界上最好吃的肉呢。

After a depressing and frustrating morning, I went downstairs for the first time to get some water. When I passed the dinning room, I saw the Catholic sisters having lunch around the table. As I left, they began singing a Christian song in Spanish. I had no idea what they were singing about, but their voice sounded serene and peaceful, like the nunnery where I stay at. They were singing about God's love, I bet.

 

Instead of thinking about Jesus, I was thinking...What do the Catholic sisters know about love? If you skip intimacy and passion and pain and frustration and heart-break and ecstasy, how can you really know love. Too often, love is not linked with serenity.

 

I would love to believe Jesus had gotten married and had a daughter. That would only have made him holier to me.

I remember, when walking on the streets of Macau 3 years ago, I tried to explain the mainstream Chinese philosophy to Ernie.

 

"Some of us say that Confucianism is the philosophy for winners and Taoism for losers. Chinese culture is a combination of both. So we have a saying in China: work like a Confucianist and live like a Taoist."

 

Ernie looked amused and replied: "But people have to live while they work, right?"

 

"Right..."

 

"Haha...so don't say that the Japanese are self-contradictory people. Every nation is self-contradictory in different ways."

 

"True..."

 

So ended my failed attempt to explain the "essence of Chinese culture" to my American friend.

 

Now, having been through various challenges in America for one year, I think I can explain this "weird combination of philosophies" better, in simpler words:

 

The combination of Confucianism and Taoism teaches us to take our work seriously, but NOT to take ourselves too seriously."

 

Don't take yourself too seriously. It's the key to happiness indeed.

 

夏天爱上了一个海边的小城
晚上十点半  它们还在约会
缠绵得
小城的每个人都好热

 

但是小城的人早就学会不去计较了
谁没有热恋过呢
忍一忍吧
等它们吵架了
就有台风暴雨啦～

 

于是公车上的巴士阿叔
一边扇着扇子
一边放起了音乐

 

“宁静的夏天
天空中繁星点点
心里头有些思念
思念着你的脸”

 

一首温暖的旧情书
忽然让我觉得一阵凉爽

 

好吧，夏天，你们就多缠绵一会吧～
嘿嘿